How Listening Posts Can Make You More Self-Aware

Deshaun Watson had a bad day last week.

Playing a preseason home game for the Cleveland Browns, Watson completed five of 12 passes for 36 yards and threw an interception. Browns fans booed him throughout the game, which continued a relationship between Watson and Cleveland fans that has been, to put it mildly, complicated.

​After the game​, Watson was asked about the boos. He said they had nothing to do with his performance and were more personal than that. He talked about how Browns fans cheered when he tore his Achilles two years ago (I was at that game), something I agree with him was completely out of line, and said dealing with the negativity has become “a mental battle every day.”

Then Watson talked about everything he had done during the past two years. He rehabbed two Achilles injuries, spent time around the facility and the city, did charity work, supported the Browns and interacted with fans. He thought that being who he knows himself to be would make a difference. Apparently, it hasn’t.

As I watched the interview, I kept thinking the same thing.

Deshaun just doesn’t see it.

He knows the person he believes himself to be, but there is all this information coming back at him telling him that other people see something very different. Maybe some of that feedback is unfair. I’m sure some of it is. But there might be something there worth knowing.

And then I thought, well, I do this too.

I Missed It

Last week my wife and I were talking with friends who had recently returned from Ireland. We are headed there next year, so this was the perfect opportunity for me to find out everything I could about their trip. What did they love? What didn’t they like? What would they do differently? What should we absolutely not miss?

That’s not what I did.

Instead, I spent much of the conversation telling them about our trip. Where we were going. What we were planning. What we were excited about. Basically, here were two people who had actually been to Ireland, and I thought it would be better to tell them all about Ireland, a place I hadn’t been to yet.

After they left, Pam looked at me and said, “Can I give you some feedback?”

Oh boy.

She told me I had just missed this wonderful opportunity to learn from our friends because I was too busy talking about myself and our plans. Instead of being curious about their experience, I was waiting for my opportunity to talk.

My natural reaction to something like this is not always great. I can get defensive. I can explain why she’s wrong or why the situation was different or point out that I did, in fact, ask a few questions.

But I’ve been trying hard not to do that.

So I thought about it for a minute. She was absolutely right.

And as much as I didn’t particularly enjoy hearing it, I was lucky that she told me. There was something about my own behavior that I could not see, and someone I trusted was standing there pointing it out to me.

That’s incredibly valuable information.

Where Are Your Listening Posts?

Years ago, my mentor Jim McDermott talked to me about the importance of setting up listening posts.

The basic idea is that we need people and systems around us that give us information we can’t get by ourselves. A spouse can be a listening post. So can a good friend, a mentor, a customer or an employee. For a writer, listening posts might be reader emails, surveys, comments, unsubscribes or even an article you thought was amazing that nobody read.

The point is to intentionally create places where feedback can find you.

I think I’ve gotten better at building these over the years. I have people around me who will tell me when something isn’t working. I hear regularly from readers. I ask questions. I look at what people respond to and what they don’t.

But here’s the part I’ve been thinking about since that Ireland conversation.

Creating the listening posts is the easy part.

Actually listening to them is much harder.

When my wife tells me I missed an opportunity because I was talking too much, I can shut that information down immediately. I can defend myself, disregard what she said and move on with my day.

Or I can stay open to it just a little bit longer.

Maybe she’s wrong. Maybe the feedback isn’t useful. Maybe I consider it and decide not to change a thing.

But maybe she’s right.

Maybe that little piece of information makes me a better listener the next time I’m with friends. Maybe it changes the way I interview someone. Maybe it changes how I write an article or respond to someone on social media. Maybe it helps me become a little more curious and a little less interested in waiting for my turn to talk.

That’s a pretty significant upside for simply being willing to hear something I didn’t want to hear.

For Content Creators and Marketers

You can use listening posts to become a better person, but if you create content or build a brand, you should also be using them to create a better experience for the people you serve.

Your audience is constantly telling you things through replies, comments, unsubscribes, questions, sales, silence and the content they choose to share. The problem is that we often pay attention only to the feedback that confirms what we already believe.

If an article flops, we blame the algorithm. If people unsubscribe, we decide they were never the right audience. If customers complain, we explain why they don’t understand.

But there might be something there worth knowing. The more listening posts you create, and the more open you are to what comes back, the better chance you have of creating something people actually need instead of something you simply want to make.

Thank You Deshaun

Which brings me back to Deshaun Watson.

Watson has more listening posts than almost anyone. Tens of thousands of people in a stadium are giving him feedback. Reporters are asking him about it. Social media is certainly giving him plenty.

And yet, at least from watching that interview, it seems like the feedback can’t get through because it conflicts with the story he already believes about himself.

I understand that more than I’d like to admit.

We all have a story about who we are. I’m a good listener. I’m a good leader. I’m a good writer. I’m a good partner. I’m a good father. I’m thoughtful. I’m generous. I’m self-aware.

Maybe we are. But sometimes we need someone else to tell us what we can’t see.

That’s why I’m going to keep building my listening posts. More importantly, I’m going to work harder at not shutting them down when they tell me something uncomfortable.

I don’t have to believe every piece of feedback I receive. But there might be something there worth knowing.

P.S.: ​A reminder that I’m giving away my book, Burn the Playbook, for free​. Please share it with a friend. I’m finding more and more parents are reading this and then sharing it with their kids.